This year the Mental Health Foundation is tackling loneliness for #MentalHealthAwareness with the theme #IveBeenThere. It has become increasingly clear in recent times that everyone is struggling with something behind scenes. In the age of social media, where we post the pretty, posed and perfect pictures of our best moments, we seem to have forgotten that life is imperfect and full of complicated emotions.
I am taking the step to share my story because I think it
important to voice experiences that help break the stigma. The more we talk about
these experiences the less we feel alone and the more we can do to create
positive change in our society. I hope that by reading this you feel a little less alone, that you reach out for help, that you help someone else and that you share your story.
######
It was Easter weekend of 2016, I was at university, in my
house, alone. I had been feeling off for some time now, -probably a year and
a half at this point- however, I kept brushing
things off as small unrelated problems… My anxiety had been playing up since the
night my family home had been broken into as we slept, and had gotten worse
with my close family member falling seriously ill… you would think that was it
but things continued to spiral. One bad thing occurred after the other and when
news reached me concerning the sudden death of my healthiest, fittest close
friend, my tears would not fall. I was numb. I was numb until, the
Easter weekend 9 months later.
I stared at my phone, it took five minutes, five minutes from
the time I made the call to the knock on the door. It took every ounce of
strength I had to peel myself off the floor where I sat, clutching my heart, to
answer that door. The two men introduced themselves and the tears began to
flow, I was in pain, I was in so much pain and though help had arrived I could not
stop shaking, my words failed.
I didn’t know what had happened, or why it was happening but
all I knew was something was wrong. Majorly wrong. And when you don’t know what
is wrong or why you feel the way you feel, anxiety and depression will make
themselves known.
“Life is a rollercoaster”
I remember sitting down a few months later in conversation
with a lady older than me. We had been talking about life and I began to open
up to her. I shared with her how I felt, and as a no nonsense woman, she looked
me dead in the eye and asked “when was the last time you went on a roller
coaster?”. She shared with me that I need to remember that life is a
rollercoaster, full of ups, downs, twists and turns. She was right, life is
full of the unpredictable, even at your greatest heights you will experience your
greatest falls and all you can do is embrace the experience.
At the time I knew what she was saying was right however, just
as I had told my therapist, the pain I was feeling felt too much, too overwhelming
and for the first time in my life, hope was elusive - I could not see a way out.
“WHY”
What has kept me going in this season of my life is faith. I
was 7 years old when I first went searching for God - life had fallen apart and
I was struggling to keep going (how ironic). I held onto my Christian faith
tightly in my childhood and throughout my teens, trusting everyday that God has
got something bigger at the end of all this suffering. I had experienced all
matter of hardship and God had gotten me through, however at this point in my
life I became angry at God. Why was I going through this? Why can I not catch a
break? What have I done to deserve this? And why had God forsaken me?
WHY?
I wanted answers. I needed answers. If I was going to get
through this, I needed to know what and why. I began to attend church, I
listened to sermons from various churches online until I found the ones that
spoke into my life, I read every book and every blog that addressed the human condition.
Self help books to fix parts of me that were broken, listened to podcasts featuring people
who had been broken by life and read blogs on self-care. I was determined to find
answers to all the questions that had sprung up and the more I learnt, the more
I felt inclined to turn inward – so I did and it was not easy.
“Healing is not linear”
I first spoke to a therapist at the age of 16. It was great.
I thought that would be it, I had found the answers I needed and life was going
to be okay! What I didn’t realise is that I would be visiting various couches,
in different offices, sat opposite different therapists to help me through
certain periods of my life – because healing is not linear.
When life gets tough speaking to someone helps. It gives you
a different perspective from someone who is not in your day to day. It helps
you to see things that you could not see and when that person is a professional,
they help you answer the “Whys”.
“My faith has got to be bigger than my fears”
It has been 7 years since the night I asked for help. I
reached far and wide for help to people in and out of my life who may have been
able to help me. A risky approach but one that probably saved my life. I will
never forget the tears my family cried, the support my friends and colleagues gave,
the immediate response from my university and the open arms of the girls who
hugged me as I stumbled into church.
My first step on the road to recovery was messy, and very
scary. Though fear gripped me (it knocked the wind out of my lungs and left me
grasping for air in open fields) I made the decision to fight everyday of my
life, to heal the “broken” parts of me. The decision to do the heavy work. I
started without hope, feeling pretty nihilistic, with a toxic swirl of emotions
and now I smile. Knowing that I overcame something so bleak and though nothing
is ever perfect, I am grateful to know that my faith is bigger than my fears.
######
Resources to help
Call 116-123
Post a Comment